One of the things I notice during my increasingly frequent trips to the airport is that there’s a hell of a lot of porn mags being sold at the newsstands. Rows and rows of them, in all their polybagged glory. It makes me wonder: Who are all these men masturbating on airplanes? And how can I make sure they’re not sitting behind me?

Also, are sales of the foot-fetish magazines declining, now that everyone’s taking their shoes off at the X-Ray machines? Can we get some infographics outlining the sales trends? Can we get a multi-billion dollar corporate welfare aid package for the foot porn industry? Now more than ever, our podophile friends are suffering. Won’t you please help them? And won’t we consider the plight of the retifists? If we don’t, who will?