A Guide to Gratuities: While I’ve always been a generous tipper, (almost inappropriately so) I have definitely come under the sway of my much more miserly friends, to the point where I now find reasons to take deductions from the tip I was going to leave for the server. In order to warn anyone in the service industry, I have codified the transgressions that will result in fiduciary penalties. To wit:

Writing "Thanx" With an X on the check: $2 off

Dotting the "i" in their name with a heart (females): $2 off

Dotting the "i" in their name with a heart (males): no tip

Sneezing, coughing, expectorating in general: $5 off

Spilling water on me: $5 off

Spilling any other beverage on me: no tip

Spilling a beverage on another person in my party: add $5