But one of the ideas that I didn't talk about back then was what a terrible reputation marriage has. Having had most of my impressions of marriage and weddings informed by popular culture and the examples of society around me growing up, I got a rather skewed vision of what married life is like. This is especially true because my marriage started in a way that was necessarily very different from that of my parents. (Theirs was, by western standards, an "arranged" marriage, though I wouldn't describe the situation quite so glibly.)
At any rate, here's what nobody ever told me about being married and having a wife and maintaining a marriage, based on (an admittedly rather limited, compared to long successful marriages) a great three years.
The thing is, I'm not saying being married is easy, or that it's 100% fun. But it mostly is! I feel like I got hoodwinked as a single guy because I heard marriage described so often as some cross between a prison, being grounded as a misbehaving teen, and being castrated. I don't doubt that lots of people make mistakes in who they marry, and I am not trying to be a pollyanna about the very real fact that a successful marriage takes a lot of dedicated effort, or that some people just can't make it work even with their best efforts. But most marriages work, even if the people who don't get it quite right end up being a lot louder about it. And even then usually take another run at it, or a couple of runs at it, until they get it right.
That brings me to my last point. I believe in this institution, and I do believe it makes society better, if only for the simple reason that it tends to make guys like me act much less like assholes than we're inclined to be when we're single.
But just forty one years ago, my marriage may well have been illegal. As a proud and unrepentant lifelong advocate and practitioner of miscegenation, my lifestyle would have been outlawed in many states, and not recognized as legitimate even in some territories where it wasn't explicitly legal.
It is now a historical inevitability that our country will legalize marriage for all couples. Though the fight is particularly polarized right now, and we will naturally face serious setbacks on the way to civil rights for all, I believe the time is close. As we saw in the fight against interracial marriages, the forces against progress are most extreme and invested right when they realize that history is against them. Naturally, my wife and I have donated to support No on Prop 8 in California.
But my motivation isn't political in this, it's simple and personal and based on my experience as someone who is, and has been, truly in love. In the months before my wife and I got engaged, we got to see a couple who we admire and respect whisk their way up to New Paltz, to get married on the only day that they'd be able to do so. These friends of ours have a simple love that is obviously apparent to anyone who's ever met them. That they had to have such a sense of urgency, such an awareness of fleeting opportunity, around an event as momentous as their wedding day, is a blemish on the concept of marriage itself.
Fortunately, we got to take away a much better message. My wife and I saw that people we care about can get married on their own terms, that it doesn't have to be the scary, joyless institution that it's so often portrayed as. Instead, we saw a couple of our friends who have an obvious and abiding sense of humor, who helped us redefine the concept of marriage in our minds so that it could be something fun and stress-free and fulfilling. And it made us comfortable enough with the idea that we knew we were ready to get married ourselves.
It's easy to say "oh, he wants to score political points by saying a gay marriage inspired him to propose to his wife". While that description is accurate, it's not the emotional truth of what happened. What happened was that seeing a real, honest, unconventional-but-honest marriage inspired my wife and I to commit to one another, which has brought me the greatest and most lasting joy of my life. It is something I'm generally private about, a quiet victory for my own sense of justice.
But there was just a brief window in which our friends' relationship could enjoy the dignity of a simple wedding. There are those determined to shut that window again, though the effort will be futile in the long run. So I'd be remiss if I didn't take the time to point out that denying the right of marriage to any of us attacks and disrespects the institution of marriage for all of us. As it turns out, marriage is worth defending, no matter what you might see on TV.
And to my wife, happy anniversary. I like you!
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The latter part of your post also made me think of conversations I had with two friends in the course of the same evening about gay marriage. The first was with my girlfriend at the time, who was Jamaican by way of Camberwell (London). She said she didn't approve of gay "lifestyles" in general, much less gay marriage, because the bible said it was wrong. I pointed out that that same bible, the one that she reads so literally, considers her to be property. While she wasn't too happy to admit it, she did concede that it was a pretty pointless argument to make. (We broke up soon after - clearly not meant to be).
The second conversation was with a fairly macho friend who had pretty much the same reaction to the idea of gay marriage, but said it was "unnatural" for two men to have sex. I asked him how he would feel if he lived in a world where he wasn't even allowed walk down a street holding hands with the person he loved without fear of some kind of negative reaction? He changed his mind about the issue right then, saying "I'd never thought of it in terms of love. It was always about sex."
Anyway, nothing to do with marriage per se. But I think these examples highlight something poignant but often forgotten: it's all about love. Not just sex or religion or what is "natural". And there's no room for negativity when it comes to love.
Happy anniversary, you crazy kids.
PS Can I write a guest piece on What They Never Told Me About Having Children? Because I could totally double your average word count...
The marriage equality issue has been important to me for a long time. I've had friends who were in love but unable to live in the same country for more than a few months at a time because of discriminatory laws and one of my friends married his husband in Canada and is fighting for recognition back home in Australia.
But getting married has been what's really motivated me. It's awesome. I can't let that be denied to anyone. I'm not a US citizen, just a green card holder (thanks to my right to marry of course), so I can't vote or even donate money to a California proposition, so I'm volunteering: http://loic.livejournal.com/114961.html
Thanks for your support on this issue. It's the civil rights issue of our generation and we're going to win it. In 40 years it'll look as ridiculous as the miscegenation laws do now.
Ian
]]>and this is the best post ever, btw.
]]>We got married recently and so far I totally agree with marriage being fun : - )
If it is as well written as this article I would enjoy hearing about "What they never told me about having children"
Andrea
]]>I get so frustrated by people who let marriage define them (ie "Ball 'n' Chain," stereotypical gender roles) without realizing that each of us has the freedom to define our own marriages.
After our wedding four years ago, I got really irked by how, every time I went out without my husband, people would gasp and say "WHERE IS HE?" I was like "People, we are spouses -- not conjoined twins." We still have our separate lives and interests and friends.
Too often, people blame the concept of marriage for their own distorted views of relationship dynamics.
I could go on and on and on ... but for now I'll just say AMEN BRUVVA. And congratulations.
]]>Yesterday, immediately after voting for Barack Obama at San Francisco City Hall, I walked upstairs and watched a just-married couple pose for pictures at various points around the rotunda. They were giddy and euphoric; obviously thrilled at the prospect of spending the rest of their lives together. Obviously very much in love. They reminded me very much of myself and my wife, eight years ago last month, when we were the giddy ones, high on each other and oblivious of everything outside of ourselves.
Yet the difference is that both partners in this newlywed couple were gay men. Of course that in no way made their love for each other any less real or valid than the love I feel for my wife. And as I watched another couple, two women, getting ready to say their vows, my mood turned from elation to heartbreak with the realization that this all may end Tuesday.
And I don't understand it. How can anyone be against love?
Because that's what it comes down to. You either support two people's right to make a formal and legal declaration of love and commitment to one another, or you do not. You are either for love, or against it. You either want everyone to enjoy the same fundamental civil rights, or you do not. That's the choice.
Next year my wife and I will have been married 30 years - they have been more wonderful than not but it is still a work in progress. I am proud to say I'm married to my best friend and, since it sounds like you are of a like mind, I wanted to point you to a website that two friends of mine are running - its http://caffection.com/ - and it is a site that celebrates marriage - for ALL couples. So again, many blessings for you and yours and, if you like the site please spread the word. Your support would certainly help and I think that site will help all of those who want to see love recognized and celebrated for all people.
Cheers
]]>Oops, you meant to write "inspired my wife and me," right?
]]>I've been married legally and illegally now for 18 years. It's great and it's being challenged. Thanks for the vote of confidence on a day when I'm not so sure how it will end up.
Jeff Tidwell
San Francisco
I'm not sure if anything would change if/when my girlfriend and I get married ... but I'm sure it'll happen. I'm not sure I want to get married before same-sex couples in my state can do the same, however. We're a heterosexual couple, but ... it just wouldn't seem fair.
I think I'll get married when my gay friends can. Until then ... who knows? Maybe we'll get a civil union ... are heterosexual couples allows to get civil unions, or is that just reserved for "those crazy gays"?
I am a straight woman who loves being married (for many of the same the reasons you mentioned), and it is absolutely true -- not a little bit -- that I would not have gotten married if it had not been for the good example of a male couple.
I want to meet you the next time you're in Vancouver, BC. :-)
]]>I'm not married (and I don't know if ever I'll marry). I did enjoy your writings. Will visit you again next time.
]]>I had only been in one other "relationship" before him. The relationship was with a girl and was 6 years of hell that I couldn't get away from. Even after four years, my boyfriend is fixing the old wounds that were left from that girl. After even dating for a year, he had explained that he was sort of dating one of his male friends before moving from Ontario to Manitoba, and meeting me.
Both he and I support gay marriage since we are both bisexual and are proud of it. Even one of our friends (Someone who follows the way of Christianity very closely) supports us and doesn't mind the idea of gay marriage.
I really thank you again for proving that marriage isn't a bad thing like so many try to portray it as. both my parents and my boyfriend's parents were high school sweethearts (for my parents, it was slightly younger) and both sets of our parents have been married for over 25 years. I'm really hoping that sometime soon, my boyfriend pops the question, then the gamer/anime wedding can be planned.
]]>I cant say anything about ur writing, but the World.
Vinod
Best,
Chris
First and foremost, I do not want children in grade school to be asked "do you want to marry a boy, or a girl?" which is terribly confusing for a child. And to ask anything different would be considered bigoted or intolerant when it is no such thing. "That won't happen" You say? Too late, it already has happened.
Once the institution of marriage is no longer defined as being between one man and one woman, then the next step will be polygamous marriage of one man, n+1 women. And why not? The guidelines have now been reset that as long as they love each other, they should be able to tie those bonds in matrimony. Proponents say that "Oh, that won't happen..." but that, I'm sorry to say is just wishful thinking.
The next step from that is brother-sister marriage, father-daughter, and every other obscene combination. No, we cannot open this Pandora's box.
Just look at what is happened to "Human Rights" where the life of a human is now no longer any more value than the life of a bacteria, such as what has been done in Ecuador where human rights have now been extended to every. living. organism.
I guess this means that either every germ is now precious and invaluable, or you can treat undesirable people as you would a mere infection. Time to add a little chlorine to the gene pool? Not a problem. These are not human rights abuses, we're just fighting an 'infection' of undesirables.
]]>I got engaged the day after Prop 8 passed, and the juxtaposition of the two events weirded the experience for me, greatly. I blogged about here: http://innerteub.com/2008/11/07/what-a-difference-a-gay-makes/
I was happy to see this post. I wish people would stop ragging on marriage as this "box to check" to be a successful adult and instead see it for what it is: an opportunity, if done right, to increase quality of life. Good times.
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