Emptying My Head
September 24, 2003
A few random thoughts that have occurred to me of late:
Whenever I wonder about random things like "Why are commercial toilets shaped differently than residential ones?" I can usually think through an answer on my own ("Probably so they're easier to clean...") or I can Google up some answers fairly quickly. Just once, I wish the actual answer were something like "This was a decision made by a secret cabal consisting of Freemasons and a murky consortium of international financiers, designed to advance their nefarious goals through control of the world's toilet bowls." But that's never the answer.
You could probably make a killing by bilking gullible, well-intentioned midwesterners with low self esteem out of their hard-earned money by publishing a book of pure sappy pablum and titling it "Chicken Soup for Dummies".
As an unmarried guy, I'm always creeped out when I spot married couples in a store or on the street who have no qualms about fighting in public. I can understand how women stop caring about having perfect hair after they have a kid, or how a guy could become less meticulous about waxing his car after he turns 30, but at what point do you resign yourself to not being chagrined by the public airing of your insecurities and failings? Maybe it's because I grew up in an Asian household, but I think there's a lot to be said for quiet shame and repressing the day-to-day misery of one's life.
I've been sick the last few days, and in between trying to cough up my entire respiratory system, I've been suffering through the usual spate of disgusting cough drops in a vain attempt to keep myself able to breathe. I don't know why it's so hard to make something that works to keep your head clear and doesn't taste repulsive. Note to Halls: squishy centers of unnaturally gooey echinacea extracts are not going to help me keep breathing. I think the next time my nose gets stuffed up, I'm going to try to track down a wasabi cough drop.
Also, please feel free to use that as a great band name. Wasabi Cough Drop!
I got a mail order catalog from these people, and the title on the front said "Component Paradise". There's no periodical whose tagline contains the acronyms DLL, VCL, CLX, and OCX that has any business putting the word "paradise" on the cover. Now that I'm a slimy business guy instead of a programming geek, can I please get off of these mailing lists?
It's been more than two years since I started wondering how the thong meme spreads, and I still have no answers. I've actually asked this question to Cam Marlow, who of course created Blogdex and is a PhD student at MIT, studying "information diffusion, epidemiology, memetics, or social networks". That some fucking serious scientific credibility there. And he didn't know. I got a shrug of the shoulders. I expect more from the MIT Institute of Technology.
I'm reminded of my curiosity about the spread of thongs because Andrea recently documented some of the unfortunate side effects of this powerful meme, and Meg's begun a public outreach campaign to prevent these maladies, with some early success in promoting the message via important media outlets. Please, people, tell me how thongs reached the tipping point! It's important scientific research!
10:08 PM
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You've been reading Umberto again, haven't you, Anil? Read More
I got a kick out of this:Whenever I wonder about random things like "Why are commercial toilets shaped differently than residential ones?" I can usually think through an answer on my own ("Probably so they're easier to clean...") or I... Read More
No, no, wait... even better than "Chicken Soup for Dummies" is a self-help book aimed at the terminally unfunky, which... Read More
Hi there, Thanks for this great post. I love it... please keep up your good work. Gauge. Read More
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It's not toilet seats, but I've always wondered what, if any, international standards body was responsible for insuring righty = tighty and lefty = loosey.
Actually, "this was a decision made by a secret cabal consisting of Freemasons and a murky consortium of international financiers, designed to advance their nefarious goals through [insert issue here]" is always the answer, but the Gnomes of Zurich and Knights Templar won't let them print it.
Reminds me of the HomeClub restaurant I ate at in Tianjin, China. Humongous place, good selection of food, bathrooms with both Western sit-style and Chinese squat toilets. I used the squat toilets (more sanitary). The toilet brand? American Standard.
As far as cough drops, I've been stuffed up this week and tried pretzels with Grey Poupon. Didn't work.
As Frank Ruscica wrote many months ago at Slashdot (http://slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=59045&cid=5632134), Google + Blogger = Go_Ogle, the mother of all online dating sites.
Here are the relevant highlights:
Online dating is big business. Consider:
Sorry.
"Also, please feel free to use that as a great band name. Wasabi Cough Drop!"
There is a fun band out of Seattle called Watashi Wa that I stumbled upon at a concert a few months ago. When I asked their name, I thought the pr guy was saying Wasabi Wa, which ought to be the name of a small car if Gaiman and Pratchett ran the world...
I rather like the Ricola lemon drops, not so nasty tasting and they do the job.
smiles, jen ;o)
Get better quickly... because pressing matters such as the toilet cartel await.
"but at what point do you resign yourself to not being chagrined by the public airing of your insecurities and failings?"
That sweet day you install Moveable Type and post "Well, I don't know who will read this but..."
Wasabi peas are my wasabi cough drops. This usually has some side effect, like the contents of your head dumping into your stomach and providing other issues, but hey your head is clear.
Actually, all the answers you find on Google *are* written by the Freemasons. "Google" is actually Atlantean for "fnord!".
The thong meme does not spread. It narrows and bunches up.
My word, Anil went Bill Simmons on us. I don't know whether to leap for joy or cower in the corner.
Re: Butters's comment up yonder: Anil, that explains the Friendster rumors. Perhaps this was floated to management by the single Google engineers who want to mess with the Page Rank of their personals.
[Insert evil Freemasonic laugh here.]
Lastly ... have you not heard of NyQuil? Someone stop me before I start quoting Denis Leary.
As a cough drop gourmand (chronic bronchitis = chronic sore throat), the least offensive tasting cough drops are Hall's Spearmint. They don't work as well as some others, but they taste better. If you're looking for the perfect spot in the Vin diagram of taste and performance, Hall's Ice Blue are the best. They'll nuke the snot and not taste like you're sucking on a 9v battery. For a real adventure in nasty, try the Fisherman's Friend variety... truly disgusting.
Why did you have to say "gullible, well-intentioned midwesterners?" You could have just said "people." That was just mean.
I agree with kfan. What about the "Chicken Soup for Dummies" scheme makes it particularly attractive to midwesterners? Is it that midwesterners are just so gullible they'll go for anything? Everyone can't live in NY, now can they?
Regarding the cold:
Try Cold-Eeze zinc drops.
Regarding the "Chicken Soup For Dummies":
While this would indeed sell millions of copies all over the country, it's a lost cause. The "Chicken Soup" and "For Dummies" franchises are actually run by Freemasons, and used to placate the masses while continue with their nefarious schemes. This must be true, because I�m much too insecure to admit that we, as a society, are too insecure not to buy a book like that.
I shit you not...I once saw "Self-Esteem for Dummies" in a Borders in Atlanta. It's the only time I ever thought I might actually die of mirth.
Anil, I think that the "Chicken Soup for Dummies" book is actually a legitimately good idea. Modern publishing is all in the gimmick, man. The book would be deliciously satirical and subtley irreverent, including a long multi-sectioned introduction explaining "How to Use This Book" and bulleted explanations about "The Importance of Simpler and Shorter Proverbs, Anecdotes and Aphorisms in the Topsy-Turvy Intormation Age".
Anil, I would sincerely like to help you write this book.
I pick on midwesterners as a substitute for actually thinking of funny things. Such is the sad lot of any web-based attempt at humor in this dark, post-Gawker era.
Wasabi Peanuts. Not the same as wasabi peas--these are like a bomb going off inside your head. A little hard to find, but the foodie chi-chi grocery in my area stocks them.
I'd like to tell you how the thong meme got going, but the Rosicrucians are tapping my connecti[END TRANSMISSION]
Man, I wish I got that M.I.T. joke.
Actually, you may also be able to force feed that book to equally gullible, trend-following, thong-wearing easterners with high irony-deficiency.
Fighting in public can be fun. More stuff to throw.
You mean to tell me your father never subjected you to the infamous Indian cure-all for cough-congestion-fever?
Take one saucepan and fill with water, three teaspoons of whole peppercorn, half of a sliced onion and boil.
Once it begins to boil, put steaming saucepan on properly insulated table, grab a bedsheet or comforter, put face above sauce pan, use comforter over head and inhale fumes.
If the steam doesn't cure you drinking a glass of the stuff will.
Black people use Robitussin� for all ailments, Indians (I assumed) use this.
I'm sure I could talk Ari into fighting with me right here if you want, you know, as an example of what you were saying.
Heh. I published a cartoon a while back entitled "Zen and the Art of Chicken Soup For Dummies".
Re: Midwesterners as poor comedy.
Try "suburban soccer moms" in the future. They're everywhere, and they're not reading your site, unlike many Midwesterners.
Hit a health food store and buy Eucalyptus essential oil. Smell it right out of the bottle. Mix it with olive oil at night and rub it on under your nose. Laugh if you must but the little people in my house are never gooey.
WTF is this purple site?
Is Anil Dash Hindi for Barney the Purple Dinosaur?
People under thirty wax their cars?
"Round bowl or elongated bowl
The most common residential toilet bowl used to be round, especially when space was tight, but the trend is now to elongated bowls. Most commercial bowls are elongated. Round bowls take up less space and are easier to clean around, but men tend to prefer elongated bowls because of this extra space in front. An elongated bowl is approx. two inches longer than a round bowl. This results in a larger target area and less drip on the bowl, thus improving sanitary conditions."
Then again, it could be the Masons.
When you *first* feel a cold coming on (that "oh-oh" feeling in the back of your throat) try Zicam.
I'm not one of those alternative health nuts. This has sometimes stopped a cold and sometimes has reduced a cold to just a couple of days.
I do that too, though instead of "why is so-and-so this way" and coming up with a logical answer, my first response is usually, "Who said that?" or "Up your dose, spaz."
Cough drops taste awful so that you don't snack on them. Having said that, butter-menthols are the best tasting cough drops, and vicks vapour drops are the best... I don't know if you can get them outside of Australia, though... sorry.