Pardon me for being forward
August 22, 2001
Further confirming his descent into Andy Rooney territory, please find Pardon Me For Being Forward, in which young Mr. Dash rants in his usual overdone style about the eternal plague: spam from friends.
Just a note to let you know:
I already saw it.
That forward? I got it. I've gotten it. I do not wish to keep receiving it. I was neither moved nor inspired. It was neither clever nor funny. I was not amazed at the stupidity of that criminal, nor disgusted, appalled, and chagrined by the United States Government. I do not marvel at how inexpensive things used to be, nor am I astonished that kids today don't know about things that happened before they were born.
The photo? I had that, too. I have seen two children of any given ethnicity holding hands. I have seen fat ladies in thongs. I saw the bungee jumper crap his pants and I have seen adults covering themselves or others with vomit, urine, and/or beer in any conceivable arrangment with which you would want to provide me. I have no concern for what you consider to be worthy of a MasterCard "Priceless" parody. Intoxication does not amuse me.
I will not be starting or stopping the consumption of any product or service due to the information you provided me in your forwarded email. I will not be winning any contest nor will I submit any data for market research. I will not be subverting AOL, Microsoft, Disney, the IRS or any other entity through the continued transmittal of your bogus message. I boycott your boycotts.
I will not sign up for whatever affiliate program you've got in your email signature. I do not marvel at The Way Things Used to Be. Change your homepage to snopes.com.
I do not care about your heart-warming bullshit, for I am a stone and my heart is cold. Genuine friendships are characterized by emails that are written and sent for me and to me. I do not want to be made aware you were thinking of me, I will not stop to smell the flowers, I will not count my blessings, and I live in neither the best nor the worst country on Earth. Jesus and I have a policy of mutual apathy toward one another. That kitten is not cute. Your baby is not the first to walk, talk, or use a toilet. God is a hoax.
My answer to your questionnaire is: No. My favorite color is: No. My favorite song is: No. I do not care what tree, dog, fruit, Power Ranger or member of the Mos Eisley Cantina Band I most resemble. There Is No All Your Base. I have seen the End of the Internet page, and that wasn't funny last time, either. I find recitations of "lookit how funny those foreigners are!" xenophobic, trite and tiring.
I think I'm done now. Please attribute this to Dave Barry and Kurt Vonnegut and then forward this to everyone in your address book.